Ey up, Nora. Tha's gonna have to do summat about them stockings.
It's like looking at Venetian blinds.
What are you doing creeping up on people to talk about their legs?
You've no right!
What's a handsome lass like thee doing wearing puttees?
Listen who's talking!
I wouldn't mind, but you look like the star turn on Guy Fawke's Night.
You're always perfectly dressed for the top of a bonfire.
Tha fancies me, really, though. Fancy you?
I wouldn't even notice you if you weren't a nuisance.
That's because tha never pays attention to me right profile.
Wait! All right, then. All right... I'll upgrade me aftershave.
Oh...
Ah, morning, Howard!
Has Pearl got you started early,
or have you been there since last night?
What's it like to be free, Cleggy?
Free?
Sometimes I think I'm just a plaything of Foggy Dewhurst.
Anyway, you don't do too badly considering. It's not easy.
Pearl's got radar.
Pearl's got a what?
A radiant smile.
I was just telling Cleggy how you've got a radiant smile...
when you bother to use it.
How come you never smile these days when you look at me?
Smile?
Because I'm too busy giggling!
You look hilarious in a chilly bathroom.
See what I mean? What do you do?
Well, for a start,
when Pearl is around I should keep out of chilly bathrooms.
SLURP!
SLU-U-URP!
Very musical, that(!)
I wouldn't mind if just occasionally he changed the tune.
I wouldn't mind if he played it somewhere else!
Ey up! Somebody else in a bad mood.
Who else is in a bad mood?
Oh, Nora Batty's none too happy.
Nora Batty none too happy? There's news for us all(!)
Nora wasn't built for happiness. Her generation weren't.
They were made to depress you.
She wants cheering up.
SLURP!
How?
Are you going to take your musical instrument and slurp for her?
I know how to cheer up women.
Don't tell me! I'm not ready for secrets like that.
They like to feel attractive.
You've just got to make them feel attractive.
They can't resist it. Watch this, son.
IVY: Oh...
Get out!
Sit down, you barnpot.
Oh, Norman... Norman...
I've passed me peak.
Me peak's passed!
"I wouldn't even notice thee," she said, "If tha weren't such a nuisance."
Some people might think that a blessing.
Her husband spent years trying not to be noticed by Nora Batty.
But me and her have always had this special relationship.
She thinks you're a lunatic.
That's better than being not noticed.
Do shut up about it. It's all right for thee -
tha's not losing tha sexual magnetism.
I don't want to start losing it now.
I'm not the age for losing me sexual magnetism.
Oh, cheer up, for goodness sake!
Why don't we go for a good, brisk routemarch.
Well, a spot of rifle drill, then.
Get the old adrenaline flowing.
Oh, talk to yourself, Dewhurst. It's all right for thee.
Just because Nora's in a bad mood
doesn't mean you've lost all your fatal attraction for women.
Does tha think so, Norm?
Don't encourage him - he never had any fatal attraction for women.
Rubbish! I were dynamite. Well, you've burnt out your fuse.
No, I haven't. I'll show thee I've still got it.
Magnetism.
You're sure it's not rheumatism?
No, it isn't.
And I am going to give that barmaid in there a little taste.
You'll only get into trouble.
Trouble? That's my middle name, son.
If I'm not back in three hours, don't worry.
She's a terrible-looking barmaid.
He might do all right.
She's not that terrible.
SHOUTING
Oi! Go on!
Did you tell him "trouble" was your middle name?
It's not a good idea.
It's bad tactics - it's not the time for a frontal assault.
It's time for the last test. I'm gonna find out if me magic's gone.
I call this "doing it the hard way".
No messing about.
She is going to get the full power. No half measures. The full blast!
What do you want?
Oh, get away, you daft devil. Have you gone funny?
Stop arguing and give us a kiss! Aaargh! He has! He's gone funny.
Here - take him away! See if you can have him seen to.
Nora...
Didn't you feel anything?
Three days growth of beard.
Have a shave and get some buttons on your shirt.
So where on Earth do you think you're going?
Anywhere.
Well, you're too old for the Foreign Legion.
I'm gonna look for a bit of solitude, Norm.
Anywhere where there's nobody.
Oh, Mablethorpe.
Yeah, but...
What about your ferret?
Oh, I'm gonna take me ferret.
I wouldn't go anywhere without me lucky ferret. Lucky ferret?
It's magic what a difference a ferret can make.
Yes, yes... I can see that(!)
I don't know why you're taking all this so seriously.
Cos it is serious to me. I think we ought to talk about it.
Nope! Me mind's made up.
Made up.
No, you're right. I think we ought to talk about it.
Well, look on the bright side -
if Nora Batty went off me, I should regard it as one of the better things in life.
He drinks me tea and tears me bird to pieces!
Let's look at your problem logically.
Your problem, basically,
is that Nora thinks you're a prawn, right?
Right.
And she's used to it! What's she getting all uppity for now?
It's quite clear to me what we have to do -
we have to make you irresistible to the female sex.
How?
Yes, well... I haven't er...
No, I haven't worked that out yet.
Well, I think we should leave before he does. No, Norman!
I like it, I like it.
That's what I'll do - I'll make him famous.
Here we are.
Now then...
There we are, Edie.
Nora. Oh, I'm ready for a coffee.
It's been all go this morning.
I've been grabbed, kissed and had me bell rung twice.
Lucky you!
It was him next door.
You poor thing. They get dafter as they grow older.
Oh, yes - seems to be the natural law.
I think their brains are like their hair -
it either goes grey or disappears altogether.
I don't know what we'd do without them.
That'll do from you.
Well, I don't! I wouldn't want to be without them.
You weren't brought up to talk like that.
Well, wouldn't you miss me dad?
How can anybody miss your father?
He's the one covered in oil.
I mean, you expect a bit of trouble when you're married to 'em,
but I get it all from my next-door neighbour.
It's like a bad marriage without the income.
Have you ever thought of repulsing him?
Repulsing him?
I've worn out three brushes on him.
Oh, no - he's not one to take a hint.
I tend to hit him with a tray.
Does he bother you as well?
Well, I don't see why you should find that so surprising.
What does he do? Finish your coffee.
It's no fun when you're approached
by some horrible figure out of the darkness.
Especially when it's your husband.
Cake?
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
What have you come here for?
I know she's out - I saw her in the cafe.
She could be back any minute.
I thought we could go for a ride, Howard.
I haven't finished marinating me pork fillets.
Howard! That is not the kind of reply that a girl expects to hear
when she makes a gentleman an offer.
I have to say that I am very disappointed in you, Howard.
I have to ask if our relationship is losing its first fire and frenzy.
Marina!
The first thing we've got to do is to dress you
so that you look like... Well, something.
What?
Well, anything but that.
Something famous - that's the effect you want, isn't it?
I should think carefully before you answer that.
How famous?
How much do you want to impress Nora Batty? Careful...
No flying, no jumping, no falling off bridges.
Now you're using your brain, kid! You have to do something!
You can't be famous for just doing nothing...
though you've been famous for that for years.
No danger! Nothing dangerous!
Good thinking! Tell me what you want to do, or think you can do.
A Maurice Chevalier impression.
Is that it? Maurice Chevalier impressions. That's it.
Sounds dangerous to me.
I can't think of anything more terrifying than just standing there
doing Maurice Chevalier impressions.
Are you sure you can do them? 'Course I'm sure.
All right. Do one now.
All right.
Ah, no. I've gotta have the costume.
Are you sure it looks like him?
It's uncanny.
Yeah, but does it look like him?
Of course it looks like him. It's breathtaking.
He'll be a sensation.
Well, say something, Norman!
It's amazing!
Even your legs look French.
It doesn't matter what we think, what matters is what Nora thinks.
She'll think I'm crackers. Not when I get you on television.
Give over! How's tha gonna get me on television?
Outlook North.
They have these occasional spots for local weirdos... Er, talents.
Ey up, Norm! On television!
Do you really want to be famous all over Yorkshire
for doing Maurice Chevalier impressions? I do, I do.
IN FRENCH ACCENT: You could permanently damage your lower lip.
I'm doing it for Nora. That's my boy.
Well, why don't we go and let her have a glimpse of you.
Don't let her tread on your lower lip. Come on, then, Maurice.
Your first steps into fame.
Wait!
Cheek!
Now, don't look at her.
Go swaggering round the corner looking dynamic.
Dynamic. As though your mind is full of plans for a television appearance.
How will she know that? Oh, we'll see to that.
Here she comes. Ready? I'm ready. Knock 'em dead, kid.
Now!
We know what it's like at her place, you shouldn't have been surprised...
What the blood and stomach pills?
It's too much exposure.
You shouldn't be doing it.
The sheer, naked courage of it!
IN FRENCH ACCENT: And besides, it is French.
Ha, ha, ha!
I can do it.
I can do it!
Where does he get this restless appetite for adventure?
Well, I like to think that some of my example has rubbed off on him.
We'll soon know.
If she goes straight past to her own house it means we've failed,
but if you've roused her interest she won't be able to resist
thinking of some excuse to come round to see what you're doing.
Ey up -
here she comes.
She's not bothered. She's going straight home.
The magic's gone.
The flame's been put out, Norm.
Join the club.
I knew it! You've got her.
What did I tell you?
Just keep her guessing for the time being.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Nora Batty! Tha's the last person I expected to see! Come in.
I don't want to bother you.
I was just passing
and wondered if I could borrow a drop of floral disinfectant.
Damn! I do believe I've run out of floral disinfectant.
I said to Clegg, "Do you know I've run out of floral disinfectant?"
I'm sorry, love.
Oh, well... I'll be going then.
I just thought I'd ask, seeing I was in the vicinity.
I expect they're very comfortable, those trousers,
for what you've got in mind.
Ah...
Aye, they'd have to be.
All I can say is I wish you luck with what you're planning to do...
Ta, lass. ..whatever it is.
Oh, it's... It's nothing, really.
I suppose you have to keep these things quiet. Oh, you have.
Though I can't quite understand why you can't tell some people
who wouldn't spread it around.
This is hush-hush.
Well, if it's too hush-hush for a close neighbour I don't want to pry.
Ah, no! Nora, Nora... I'm sure I can tell thee.
I've got this thing to do on telly.
On television?!
Maurice Chevalier impressions.
Oh, my God!
Maurice Chevalier impressions?
Ooh, you will be careful.
Oi! Oi, oi!
Just where do you think you're going with that?
To fame and fortune, lad. This is me big break.
You are not parking this little circus in here.
I don't care what charity... I beg your pardon?
Do you know to whom you are speaking? That is the star.
The star of what?
He's appearing on Outlook North this evening.
Ye Gods! I should've stayed in the police force. You never know what you're gonna find in showbiz.
All right. Park it round the back somewhere, but get it out of sight.
Good afternoon. This is the star of your little show this evening.
May I introduce myself? Former Corporal Dewhurst. I'm his agent.
What's he supposed to be dressed like that?
Oh, no - that's not his costume.
Those are his ordinary clothes. He has costumes in the case.
Thank God for that.
Ey up, lass!
Tha knows how we are in show business.
All I'm saying is that if I don't make a pass at thee, it's not cos I don't think tha's a cracker.
It's because I'm spoken for back home.
Now will you stand there quietly and let me deal with it?
I didn't want her to think I was swelled-headed cos I'm going on TV.
You can get dressed in here. We'll call you for make-up.
Make-up? Aye - gotta have a bit of make-up. We'll call you.
Thank you.
Are you gonna be all right? 'Course I am.
Slip into the costume, go in there, get a bit of make-up on...
I don't like the sound of it. It's nailed on, kid.
I'm gonna knock 'em dead.
That's the attitude! I've always told you, take a positive attitude.
It sounds a bit too positive to me. I'm a great believer in luck.
You're gonna need it. Listen - go home, the pair of you.
And make sure that Nora Batty is watching. Who'll look after you?
I'll look after me. Just you make sure that Nora is watching.
Don't forget his lower lip!
Ooooh! You've got to admire his nerve. Did he have any stage fright?
No nerves at all - it was frightening.
I thought he'd be a bit nervous. We all did.
I don't know why - I've been talking to him for years about mind over matter.
Some of it must've rubbed off. Some? All of it.
OK, what have we got tonight, then? A Maurice Chevalier impressionist.
A what?
That's what it says here - "a Maurice Chevalier impressionist."
Ye gods!
Are we ready for that kind of excitement(?)
Where do they find these muffins?
Look - all you've gotta do is follow me,
and keep in tempo. Now don't forget.
Hello, my old lad!
Listen - I thought we'd start off up-tempo.
Good, solid rock beat. Keep it going, know what I mean?
Then we slow it down.
Smooth, groovy,
plenty of sex, eh?
That'll get the ravers going.
It's gonna be one of those nights.
EXCITED CHATTER
The sound! Turn up the sound!
'And now for something really different.'
And I do mean different - you won't see this on satellite.
This is a first for us -
and has been an altogether eerie experience,
and I sincerely mean that.
In our aim to provide you with the best, and sometimes strangest, in local entertainment,
it is our stunning privilege to give you
the last surviving Maurice Chevalier impressionist.
'Mr William Simonite. Let's give him a warm welcome.'
So, here he is, folks.
Mr William Simonite's impression of that old French smoothie, in some of the maestro's best-known songs.
Remember - you saw it on this show first,
and try not to talk about it.
# You must have been a beautiful baby
# You must have been a wonderful child
# When you were only startin'
# To go to kindergarten
# I bet you drove the little boys wild
# And when they came to winning blue ribbons... #
He's forgotten the lower lip!
# I bet you showed the other kids how... #
Ah.
# ..When he handed you the prize
# I bet you made the cutest pout
# Oh, you must have been a beautiful baby
# Cos baby look at you now... #
That's my neighbour!
He lives next door.
# Oui, Frere Jacques, mine's a pint
# And when it came to winning blue ribbons
# I bet you showed the other kids... # Aargh!
Oh! Argh!
INAUDIBLE
Just stay...
The little devil! No wonder he was confident about his luck -
he's got his lucky ferret.
Come out of there!
He's not supposed to be in there.
Come here, you little ferret, you.
Get him off! I haven't finished!
Well, we're terribly sorry, folks,
for that moment of technical breakdown. We...
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Oh, dear...
Subtitles by Kate Turnough BBC Broadcast - 2004